Press Start

For those of you out there who have not yet experienced the life lesson known as "buying a house," let me say that it can best be compared to being inside an extremely difficult video game:

Level One: Looking for Houses
Just like in most video games, this tutorial level is the easiest and costs you the least amount of health to get through. You just ride around in your realtor's SUV until you find someplace that won't depreciate in value too much and falls within your modest price range. The main enemies in this level are the homes themselves; some of them will trick you into thinking they are good choices. Do not fall for their tricks or you will regret it later on in the game.

Level Two: Making an Offer
If you made it past the "Money-Pitters" in Level One, you have probably found yourself a decent house and are ready to make an offer. This level of the game is deceptively simple. The realtor and the loan officers will lull you into a false sense of security. They will tell you that "everything will fall into place." DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. Everything will not fall into place; you must cram and stuff it into place. You will have to obtain the magic pen in order to sign your earnest documents and make it to the next level. Oh, and you should also start stockpiling those gold coins...

Level Three: Negotiations and Financing
This level is comprised mostly of standing around and watching the Realtors shoot fireballs at each other. Be especially careful not to be caught in the crossfire, or you might end up with a bad interest rate or extra closing costs, both of which can drastically reduce your health meter. Once the firefight is over, the wounded and blackened Realtors will call in this level's sub-boss: the dreaded Mortgage Broker. He will tell you exactly how much you're worth with terrible swiftness and little tact. Avoid his sweeping generalizations and try to punch him in his weak spot, namely his competitors. Say things like, "Well, we think we can find another rate that would better suit our budget at (Bank Name Here)." He will eventually wear down and collapse. When he does, be sure to pick up the 6.3% interest rate and Nice Escrow Package he drops.

Level Four: Closing
The hardest level of all. Make sure your arsenal and health meter are full before even attempting this horrendous challenge. The evil Title Company will prepare a myriad of mind-bending documents for you to trudge through; remember to sign only where asked and initial every page or you will fall into the hidden Pits of Bureaucracy that the Title Company and the Mortgage Broker have dug for you. Do not look to your Realtor for help; he is not accessible in this part of the game. And by all means get the documents to the Title Company before time runs out or you will surely die.

If you make it this far, congratulations. You own a house. You are in a massive amount of debt for the next 30 years or so. Was it worth it? Yeah...I guess it was.