Yep, Halloween is history, my little gobblets. Make way for gluttonous consumption on a national scale the likes of which you haven't seen since...well, since Halloween. That's right, wood-chuck chuckers, it's Thanksgiving Day!
So get out there and buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! First go and buy more food than most Ethiopians see in a lifetime and plop it down on the table for your fat relatives and fat friends! Then sit around and stuff your fat faces with grease and butter until you simply must get up from the table and either poop explosively or vomit in a projectile fashion! Whee! American traditions are great!
Oh sure, I know what some of you must be thinking: "But Thanksgiving is about taking time to thank God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu, Cthulhu, or Burt Reynolds for all the blessings he/it has given me during the past year!" Sure it is. How does consuming obscene quantities of food that could have been given to those who have nothing to eat qualify as an adequate expression of thanks?
Then after you have bought everything Kroger has on its shelves and thrown about half of that away or given it to the cat/dog/Uncle Larry, it's time for the quickest turnaround in the whole dizzying spectrum of consumerism! The Holy Mammon Day After Thanksgiving! America's newest and most popular holiday! Get your newly acquired fat thighs a-pumpin' toward the Wal-Mart because there's a sale on fat pants, and pretty much everyone in your family will need a pair this...um...Wristwatch?...Litmus?...oh, you know, this Holiday Sale's-on!
Let's just cut the crap, shall we? Let's just call the year's end by the name it so richly deserves. Santa Claus is the king of our Bethlehem; there's less and less room at the Holiday Inn for the real King of Israel with each passing December. It's a mad world, folks, and we need to wake up and smell the crazy.
