Ladies and gentlemen of blogopolis, I think I may be a nerd.I have attempted to stave off that particular moniker for quite some time now. I'm not sure why, but I have an aversion to the "nerd" stigma. Maybe because so many neanderthals in junior high were so quick to assign that label to me, and maybe I'm not so anxious to admit they were right.
Or maybe it's just that at the core of every guy dwells the soul of an ass-kickin' stud. Ladies, you may not know this about men, but every last one of us thinks he's a superhero. I'm serious. If you could access the inner workings of the male psyche, you would see that we all believe we could beat practically anyone in a fight. Sometimes we size up another guy we see, and we think, "Hmm, pretty big, but if it came right down to it, I could break him in two."
And I'm just not ready to give that inner stud his permanent walking papers. You know? Sure, I admit that I'm overweight. I don't have a rockin' six-pack like certain other bloggers who shall remain identified as FORKULELE. I can't even get in and out of our tiny new Civic without grunting like an arthritic rabbi. But I could still soundly kick all your butts in my mind.
Looking around my office, however, I must concede that the nerd vibe is undeniable.
And that's not the half of it. Sure, they're action figures. But did you notice the absurdly nerdy care that went into their positioning? Did you observe the miniature dioramas that echo scenes and thematic elements from the films?
See, here Anakin Skywalker duels with Obi-Wan in their final climactic battle. Do you notice the shadow of Vader mirroring Anakin's movements? And the tiny Vader between his feet? These things aren't just set up willy-nilly; there was serious thought put into each interaction, into every bend of a leg and every wardrobe choice. I'm so ashamed...
Here, Gandalf the White wards off the deadly blows of a Nazgul, while Treebeard looks on from the background. What's wrong with me?
Trust me, people, the nerdapalooza doesn't stop there, but I'm actually getting embarrassed of myself, so I'm not sharing any more. Nevertheless, I need to know if I'm beyond rehabilitation. Blognerds, can I ever be as cool as, say, this dude?
Probably no hope for that, huh? Well, I suppose I will just have to settle for the nerd niche in society. But I refuse to completely abandon my aspirations toward studliness and ultra-coolness. I am going to start working out, and I'm going to try to wear actual pants a little more often (instead of the nerd's uniform of cargo shorts and Star Wars T-shirt that I'm currently sporting on a daily basis). Any other tips on how to be cool and studly? Do I have to be able to crush walnuts with my pecs? Do I have to lift small vehicles over my head while smoking two cubans? Do I have to go out and maul some monstrous beast for sustenance? You tell me.In the meantime, I'll just have to settle for this clown.
8 comments:
I can totally see you as the next Bond.
Myself too... alas...
Best. Post. Ever. Redux.
I know just how you feel, Bibb. There's not much we nerd-o-philes can do. Aside from not eating and doing lots and lots of crunches.
I guess I should stop lurking and say a formal hello.
Hello!
I hear we were in a show together once! Forky says it's so, so it must be true. I think at the time I was a bit of a music school snob, or nerd..., or just scared of all you theater folk (yes I'm pretty sure that was it) so we sadly probably weren't pals back then.
But I enjoy reading your blog and shall return! Cheers.
A pleasure to meet you, fancypants. I think Forky said you were in H2$, if I remember correctly. I was the lame chairman of the board who married Hedy LaRue at the end.
Whom did you play?
Roooooooooosemary....
You're on the right track, by the way. The first step to coolness is going to the gym and dieting. That's what card carrying members of Team Cool do.
The next step is to buy some trendy clothes from a store like the Gap or American Eagle. Not a whole wardrobe. Just a shirt...a pair of jeans... It's like a virus. It starts to spread. You can still wear the Star Wars t-shirt. Just couple it with a pair of trendy jeans and a blazer and a kickin' pair of sunglasses.
It's hot, but that's the price you must pay for joining the ranks of Team Cool.
And there are ways around the heat. Shorts are okay as long as they're not denim, and you have to wear cool sandals and a hot summer shirt with them. Like, "Look at how I'm about to go shred some waves at the beach."
Don't give up! You, too, can be cool!
And wait a minute! "This clown" is one of the most talented guys I know! Don't change a thing!
JUSTIN JONES!!!!! Yayy, how fun is it that I found you on here! Hope you're doing well in your crazy Hobbit-world.
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