Coffee with Darth

Recently, I had the unique opportunity to sit down over a nice cup of jawa...I mean java...with that most feared and respected of all Sith Lords, Darth Vader. I found him relaxing in his library, enjoying the simple pleasures of a leisurely summer's morning. Though not many know of his intellectual pursuits, Darth is apparently quite an avid reader. His interest in history, politics, and philosophy, particularly the works of Emperor Nero, Machiavelli, and Nietzsche, has developed into a full-blown passion.

Sipping Darth's fresh ground Columbian brew, I asked how he had come by his fervid desire to rule the galaxy.

Me: "Was absolute domination of the known galaxy a childhood dream? Or did you develop an interest in tyranny during college?"

DV: "Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger."

Me: "Well, thank you. I went to Johns Hopkins. And you're really not as intimidating as everyone thinks. But I have no reason to be angry, and I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan. Why would you think I was angry with you?"

DV: "Only your hatred can destroy me."

Me: "That won't be necessary. This is certainly not a defamation piece. The people just want to know a little more about you; they want to know the man inside the helmet. What about your ambitions? What makes a man decide to overthrow the Republic?"

DV: "Your powers are weak, old man."

Me: "What's that supposed to mean?! I'm only 28!"

DV: "Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?"

Me: "No, no. I just don't understand what my age has to do with this. What's got you so riled up today? Are you worried about that defense project you were telling me about?"

DV: "The Death Star will be completed on schedule."

Me: "I'm sure it will. I was just asking to be polite."

DV: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Me: "I have nothing but the utmost confidence in your leadership abilities. Really, I'm one of your biggest fans. Don't let there be a conflict between us."

DV: "There is no conflict."

Me: "I'm glad to hear it. I was hoping we could just relax and have a friendly conversation."

DV: "You are unwise to lower your defenses!"

Me: "Always the statesman. Well, I suppose we could turn to more political matters. What is your response to the rumors that several of your staff are using Imperial transports for recreational and promotional campaign purposes? Are your subordinates running a payola operation right under your...um...nose?"

DV: "Do they have a code clearance?"

Me: "I have no idea. I would assume so if they are running around with Imperial property. What do you intend to do about this?"

DV: "Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself."

Me: "So now you don't want to talk politics? What's the deal here?"

DV: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Me: "That's it! I've had it! This interview is over. You're the single most frustrating person to talk to in the universe! I'll come back when you're ready to be less frickin' obtuse."

DV: "As you wish."

Me: "Is that all you have to say for yourself? I must say, after your conduct this morning, I'm not at all sure your subjects will form an overly positive opinion of your personality."

DV: "Nothing can stop that now."

Me: "Fine. I don't suppose there's anything I can say to change your mind?"

DV: "It is too late for me, son."

Me: "It's never too late to reclaim a positive public image. That's what the Internet is for! I can change the people's opinon of you with a click of the mouse!"

DV: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed."

Me: "Alright, then. Any last thoughts?"

DV: "You've learned much, young one."

Me: "It doesn't really feel like I've learned anything at all. But, well, thanks for your time, anyway."

DV: "You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy."

Me: "I thought you said there was no conflict! I just wanted to ask you a few harmless questions about your hobbies and favorite songs, for heaven's sake! You're the one who had to turn it into this ridiculous argument."

DV: "Don't act so surprised, your highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time."

Me: "OK, that's enough. Cut the tape off."

Well, there you have it, folks. An enigmatic, scary, frustrating man. What kind of strange, powerful mind lurks behind that pointy, angular medical capsule mask? The world may never know.