Coffee with Darth

Recently, I had the unique opportunity to sit down over a nice cup of jawa...I mean java...with that most feared and respected of all Sith Lords, Darth Vader. I found him relaxing in his library, enjoying the simple pleasures of a leisurely summer's morning. Though not many know of his intellectual pursuits, Darth is apparently quite an avid reader. His interest in history, politics, and philosophy, particularly the works of Emperor Nero, Machiavelli, and Nietzsche, has developed into a full-blown passion.

Sipping Darth's fresh ground Columbian brew, I asked how he had come by his fervid desire to rule the galaxy.

Me: "Was absolute domination of the known galaxy a childhood dream? Or did you develop an interest in tyranny during college?"

DV: "Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger."

Me: "Well, thank you. I went to Johns Hopkins. And you're really not as intimidating as everyone thinks. But I have no reason to be angry, and I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan. Why would you think I was angry with you?"

DV: "Only your hatred can destroy me."

Me: "That won't be necessary. This is certainly not a defamation piece. The people just want to know a little more about you; they want to know the man inside the helmet. What about your ambitions? What makes a man decide to overthrow the Republic?"

DV: "Your powers are weak, old man."

Me: "What's that supposed to mean?! I'm only 28!"

DV: "Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?"

Me: "No, no. I just don't understand what my age has to do with this. What's got you so riled up today? Are you worried about that defense project you were telling me about?"

DV: "The Death Star will be completed on schedule."

Me: "I'm sure it will. I was just asking to be polite."

DV: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Me: "I have nothing but the utmost confidence in your leadership abilities. Really, I'm one of your biggest fans. Don't let there be a conflict between us."

DV: "There is no conflict."

Me: "I'm glad to hear it. I was hoping we could just relax and have a friendly conversation."

DV: "You are unwise to lower your defenses!"

Me: "Always the statesman. Well, I suppose we could turn to more political matters. What is your response to the rumors that several of your staff are using Imperial transports for recreational and promotional campaign purposes? Are your subordinates running a payola operation right under your...um...nose?"

DV: "Do they have a code clearance?"

Me: "I have no idea. I would assume so if they are running around with Imperial property. What do you intend to do about this?"

DV: "Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself."

Me: "So now you don't want to talk politics? What's the deal here?"

DV: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Me: "That's it! I've had it! This interview is over. You're the single most frustrating person to talk to in the universe! I'll come back when you're ready to be less frickin' obtuse."

DV: "As you wish."

Me: "Is that all you have to say for yourself? I must say, after your conduct this morning, I'm not at all sure your subjects will form an overly positive opinion of your personality."

DV: "Nothing can stop that now."

Me: "Fine. I don't suppose there's anything I can say to change your mind?"

DV: "It is too late for me, son."

Me: "It's never too late to reclaim a positive public image. That's what the Internet is for! I can change the people's opinon of you with a click of the mouse!"

DV: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed."

Me: "Alright, then. Any last thoughts?"

DV: "You've learned much, young one."

Me: "It doesn't really feel like I've learned anything at all. But, well, thanks for your time, anyway."

DV: "You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy."

Me: "I thought you said there was no conflict! I just wanted to ask you a few harmless questions about your hobbies and favorite songs, for heaven's sake! You're the one who had to turn it into this ridiculous argument."

DV: "Don't act so surprised, your highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time."

Me: "OK, that's enough. Cut the tape off."

Well, there you have it, folks. An enigmatic, scary, frustrating man. What kind of strange, powerful mind lurks behind that pointy, angular medical capsule mask? The world may never know.

The Power of the Dork Side...

Well, blogpals, it's finally happened. Hitherto, I would have simply classified myself as a 'nerd', or a 'geek' at the worst, but now I have crossed over completely. I have been seduced by the Dork Side. I went to the opening day festivities of what borders on a crazed fan convention: the traveling Star Wars science exhibit at the Ft. Valuecity Museum of Science and History.

I admit that my initial interest in the exhibition was almost purely intellectual. But when I arrived at the museum and they were blasting the Imperial March through loudspeakers attached to the building's exterior, and stormtroopers, bounty hunters, and...be still my beating heart...Lord Vader himself were all milling about the lobby, the dormant midi-dorkians flowing through my veins sprang into life and filled me with unlimited dorky power.

Yes, the tingling sensation of burgeoning dorkiness washed over me in a wave, and soon I found myself pointing to the full-grown men in costume and explaining the fundamental differences between the attire and equipment of Jango and Boba Fett to my indifferent wife. Next, with a dorkish squeal of glee, I would latch onto the nearest 'celebrity' and demand that a picture be taken at once. For example...

And again...

I became almost manic upon seeing the actual Yoda puppet used in The Empire Strikes Back, and I giggled like a silly schoolboy when I found the glass case containing the actual Vader suit worn by David Prowse in A New Hope. The photos below won't convey the pure dorky ambrosia of seeing these marvelous artifacts in person, but try to imagine yourself there...use your feelings.

These are no lame, tattered Halloween costumes, folks. These are originals! Frank Oz had his sweaty arm inside that Yoda! Peter Mayhew struggled to resist the temptation to scratch his cheek inside that Chewie fur! Anthony Daniels tottered around in a black leotard inside that C-3PO! Great scott, people! Do you understand what I'm saying here?! IT WAS LIKE THE POP CULTURE HOLY GRAIL!

Whew...sorry. I let my dorkemotions get the better of me there. I became so infatuated with each and every magical display that I occasionally lost track of my lovely wife. She wandered outside and was attacked by an Acrocanthrosaurus.

Luckily, a burgundy SUV drove by and startled the beast back into the trees. Finally, it was time to pack up the light saber and head home. When we arrived, we found that even little Nelson had joined the Dork Side.

Now he refuses to answer to anything other than "Darth Kittious," and he's been using the force to choke birds in the backyard all evening.

Needless to say, if this traveling exhibit comes to your corner of the galaxy anytime soon, you must fulfill your destiny and go see it immediately. But beware the power of the Dork Side, and remember the words of wise Master Yoda: "Nerds lead to Geeks, Geeks lead to Dorks, Dorks lead to pain and suffering."

May the Bricks Be With You...

I don't normally blog about video games. Movies and books are typically more in my bailiwick. But dang it if I don't feel compelled to share about this one. When you die, you merely return to the bricks from which you were composed (an apt visual representation of a complex theological concept), and every level is jam-packed with cleverly hidden treasures and extras. I've never had this much fun with my Braincube TM, and these games have even renewed my passion for the original Star Wars saga. Playing through them has almost convinced me to shell out $12,000 for a tiny Preggo TM Playset . . . almost.


Some of you may not yet own a Stupendo Braincube TM, and others of you might have already upgraded your system to a Sex-Box 360 or a Slaystation 3, but if my opinion is worth diddly-poop to the three of you who occasionally visit this humble blog-corner, I recommend that you toss those other systems in the bin and return to the game console that actually makes use of that most neglected of bodily organs . . . the mind.


And just when you thought it couldn't get any cooler . . .