Kitty Livin'

Ah, to live the life of a cat.

No responsibilities. No job. No psychological angst. No deep philosophical quandaries.

They truly lead a charmed existence. They wake up around 11:30 a.m. and then take their first nap at noon. They eat at 6:00 every night - two scoops of Purina Cat Chow (Indoor Formula). Then they take their evening poop in a giant plastic poop-dome full of the very finest kitty litter Fresh-Step has to offer.

When their adopted owner comes home, he or she always pounds on their bellies just the way they like. They roll and crawl and mewl with infinite pleasure.

Sure, they're occasionally forced to pose for ridiculous and demeaning photographs.

But that's a small price to pay for free room and board and constant affection.

In the evenings, they crawl into bed with their adopted parents and plant themselves firmly in the very middle of the mattress (the very softest and warmest spot). Sure, sometimes inconsiderate people force them to endorse over-the-counter cold medication...

Or Meow Mix kitty snacks...

...but such minor inconveniences are just par for the course.

Kitties of all sizes are essentially the same. They all sleep close to 18 hours each day and still manage to retain that sleek athletic physique. Due to their fierce appearance, they have nothing at all to fear from anyone or anything else.

Yes, the life of a cat is to be envied. I believe it was the wise Thomas O'Malley who once said, "Everybody wants to be a cat." Or was it Berlioz the Kitten? No, I'm fairly certain it was O'Malley.

We could learn a lot from kitties. Follow their example and just go with the flow. Let the problems and prickly pickles of life roll off your fuzzy, spring-loaded back. Forget those high-dollar entertainment systems. Just play with a milk twisty on the kitchen floor for a few hours. Hey! Where'd it go?!

And always put some effort into your appearance. Try to look more regal, even majestic, at all times. No matter what anyone says, never alter your expression even the slightest bit. Lick your lips subtly if someone displeases you, and lay your ears flat against your skull if you're really mad.

Let go and have some fun! Right around bedtime, just cut loose and run across the house as fast as you can, producing gutteral growl/meow noises as you go.

But more importantly, be proud of yourself. If we learn nothing else from kitties, we should remember that we are better than everyone else, and we should always act accordingly.