Jingle All the Way...To Hell!

Hello, all my good little consum...er...children. It's your favorite Holiday pal, Santa Claus (TM)! I wanted to take a little time out of my VERY busy schedule to address some unfortunate sentiments that some of you naughtier boys and girls have been expressing this Season.

First off, let me congratulate those of you who have noticed that my first name is an anagram for the common moniker of the Prince of Darkness. Very clever. And yes, I also dress in solid red and appear most often in the form of an old man, and I could very possibly be hiding horns and cloven hooves under my hat and boots, respectively. But honestly, does anyone really care about all that? Sure, a few of you have pointed out the similarities, and a few of you have even tried to call attention to the fact that I was originally created to sell Coke (TM) to the kiddies, but even you who rail righteously against me will go out this December and worship me at my various altars: First Church of Wal-Mart, The Targetarian Temple, and Our Lady of Barnes & Noble.

So go ahead and criticize, if you wish, but remember where hypocrites and liars go. Everyone has the right to be checked off my list as "nice," provided that they do as I command and spend the good news this Holiday Sale's-on.

Secondly, a laughable few have written me letters asking for nonsensical things like "an end to war" or "a cure for AIDS" or "blessings on my family" this year. I think you may be a tad confused. Those things aren't really my department; I handle only what I can load in my sack and dump down your chimneys. World peace and good will toward men aren't very lucrative wares for me to peddle since they take time and cooperation and, yes, even self-sacrifice. Oooh, that word always gives me the willies!

Which brings me to my last point. You-Know-Who's name is being systematically removed from many end-of-year proceedings, and a small number of you have been whining about that of late. Well, I've got news for you; it's the 21st century, and you need to adapt and get with the times! Not everybody likes to be reminded of You-Know-Who's depressing life story while they're opening their gifts 'neath the Holiday Tree, and what's bad for business is bad for Santa (TM). So the C-word is hereby effectively banned (except in those places where its inclusion might sell more greeting cards, bumper stickers, and bookmarks). Please use the following Santa Claus (TM) approved terms when greeting one another or when referring to this December/January's festivities:

Acceptable Salutations:

• Happy Holidays!
• Winter's Greetings!
• Season's Greetings!
• Welcome to Best Buy, how may I help you?

Approved Titles for Seasonal Get-togethers:

• Winter Holiday Party
• Yuletide Jamboree
• End-of-Year Celebration
• 20-40% Off Sale

I think that covers it. So, from all of us at the North Pole, Happy Holidays! And remember, keep You-Know-Who's name to yourself this year; we'll all be much jollier for it!