Yule Never Believe This...

We've all come across the word, sometimes on Christmas cards, sometimes as part of the title of a lame children's Christmas music CD (i.e. "Cool Yule"), sometimes in the lyrics of those most sacred Christmas carols themselves:

"Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, and folks dressed up like Eskimos..."

"Don we now our gay apparel (Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La); Troll the ancient Yuletide carol..."

"Bring us out a table and spread it with a cloth; bring us out a cheese and of your Yuletide loaf..."

"Rudolph the Wiccan Reindeer had a very Yuletide nose..."

OK, so I may have slightly altered that last one, but the first three are real enough. Have you ever stopped to wonder what that funny little four-letter word that so conveniently rhymes with "cool" actually means? Where does it come from? Why do we still say it? Maybe we should ask this nice lady...

Madam, pray tell us what "Yule" or "Yuletide" is all about.

"Oh my, it's simply the most beautiful and magical of all the pagan celebrations; it's the festival of the Holy Winter Solstice!"

I'm sorry? Don't you mean the celebration of the birth of the Messiah? You know, the King of Israel?

"I don't know much Middle Eastern history, but Yuletide is the sacred time after the woolgathering and spinning where everyone must be given an item of clothing or risk being taken by the Yule Cat. Also, we slaughter a pig and dance around his burning carcass long into the night. Now if yule excuse me, I must attend to my brew...um, I mean...wassail."

What?! 'Yuletide' is some sort of crazy witches' party?! You dance around a burning pig and give each other woolen presents to ward off some evil cat? What about the "Yule Log"? Doesn't that have some sort of Christian symbolism behind it?

"Good Priestess, no! The Yule Log is an offering to the fertility gods and the only way to ensure that our houses are safe from lightning, hailstorms, and unfriendly magic. Now I really must ask you to go; you're going to wake my daemon...I mean...pet iguana."

Oh well, there you have it, folks. I guess everyone's a little bit pagan these days. Have a Happy Yule! May your cattle be fertile and your hearths be free of dark wizardry! But be productive and never lazy, lest you incur the wrath of...

THE YULE CAT!

The Birth of Our Ford and Savior...

For any of you out there who have read Huxley's Brave New World or practically anything by Karl Marx, this harmless little children's book should send shivers up your spine. It's for real, kiddos; I picked up a copy with speechless incredulity at Our Lady of Barnes & Noble a few days ago, flipping through its propaganda-laden pages unable to laugh or cry.

The premise of this capitalistic pamphlet involves Santa, the greatest of all symbols of American materialism and greed, teaching the merits of the assembly line method of production to Henry Ford, the greatest of all symbols of capitalism's soulless industrialization and dehumanization of the worker, to increase the elves' (the North Pole proletariat) rate of production, enabling them to make more toys even faster! How long until the facts of religion and of history are obliterated completely by harmless children's stories such as these? Who needs Christmas when American consumerism can forge its own legends and meanings for December 25?

Good God, people.

"Knowledge was the highest good, truth the supreme value; all the rest was secondary and subordinate. True, ideas were beginning to change even then. Our Ford himself did a great deal to shift the emphasis from truth and beauty to comfort and happiness. Mass production demanded the shift. Universal happiness keeps the wheels steadily turning; truth and beauty can't." - Mustapha Mond in Brave New World

Jingle All the Way...To Hell!

Hello, all my good little consum...er...children. It's your favorite Holiday pal, Santa Claus (TM)! I wanted to take a little time out of my VERY busy schedule to address some unfortunate sentiments that some of you naughtier boys and girls have been expressing this Season.

First off, let me congratulate those of you who have noticed that my first name is an anagram for the common moniker of the Prince of Darkness. Very clever. And yes, I also dress in solid red and appear most often in the form of an old man, and I could very possibly be hiding horns and cloven hooves under my hat and boots, respectively. But honestly, does anyone really care about all that? Sure, a few of you have pointed out the similarities, and a few of you have even tried to call attention to the fact that I was originally created to sell Coke (TM) to the kiddies, but even you who rail righteously against me will go out this December and worship me at my various altars: First Church of Wal-Mart, The Targetarian Temple, and Our Lady of Barnes & Noble.

So go ahead and criticize, if you wish, but remember where hypocrites and liars go. Everyone has the right to be checked off my list as "nice," provided that they do as I command and spend the good news this Holiday Sale's-on.

Secondly, a laughable few have written me letters asking for nonsensical things like "an end to war" or "a cure for AIDS" or "blessings on my family" this year. I think you may be a tad confused. Those things aren't really my department; I handle only what I can load in my sack and dump down your chimneys. World peace and good will toward men aren't very lucrative wares for me to peddle since they take time and cooperation and, yes, even self-sacrifice. Oooh, that word always gives me the willies!

Which brings me to my last point. You-Know-Who's name is being systematically removed from many end-of-year proceedings, and a small number of you have been whining about that of late. Well, I've got news for you; it's the 21st century, and you need to adapt and get with the times! Not everybody likes to be reminded of You-Know-Who's depressing life story while they're opening their gifts 'neath the Holiday Tree, and what's bad for business is bad for Santa (TM). So the C-word is hereby effectively banned (except in those places where its inclusion might sell more greeting cards, bumper stickers, and bookmarks). Please use the following Santa Claus (TM) approved terms when greeting one another or when referring to this December/January's festivities:

Acceptable Salutations:

• Happy Holidays!
• Winter's Greetings!
• Season's Greetings!
• Welcome to Best Buy, how may I help you?

Approved Titles for Seasonal Get-togethers:

• Winter Holiday Party
• Yuletide Jamboree
• End-of-Year Celebration
• 20-40% Off Sale

I think that covers it. So, from all of us at the North Pole, Happy Holidays! And remember, keep You-Know-Who's name to yourself this year; we'll all be much jollier for it!

Dead Week Poll

I need your help, blog-fam. You haven't been particularly vocal of late, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and try to solicit your involvement in a pointless poll.

I am showing a film to my freshmen writing classes next week, and I need some feedback as to which movie should make the screening. The options are posted above. Please vote this weekend! Yeah, right, who am I kidding; nobody reads this stupid page.