Countdown to Comps, DEFCON 1.75

Guess what, blogfiends. Your faithful Bibb has completed his Ph.D. coursework, and he's headed for the ominous comprehensive exams in the spring. In the meantime, he has to read around 140 books to prepare. Can you friggin' believe it?! What the crap, dudes? You'd think I was trying to get a degree in reading stuff...or something.

Anyway, I thought it might be a gas to record my progress, and since no one reads this blog and I need a visual reminder of how far I've come (and how far I've left to go), I've decided to keep tabs on my reading here on the old E&C. Haven't you always dreamed of getting an inside look into the exciting world of the doctoral graduate student? Well, here's your chance. Let me tell you, it's not all girls, glamour, and rock n' roll. Actually, it's very little of those. It's mostly dust, papercuts, and coffee mugs.

So here we go...

FINISHED
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad
Hard Times by Charles Dickens
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot
Adam Bede by George Eliot
Silas Marner by George Eliot
Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
Vanity Fair by W. M. Thackeray
Idylls of the King by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Barchester Towers by Anthony Trollope
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson
Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
The Subjection of Women by John Stuart Mill
Culture and Anarchy by Matthew Arnold
A Passage to India by E. M. Forster
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
Dubliners by James Joyce
In Memoriam, A. H. H. by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Man and Superman by George Bernard Shaw
Selected Poems by Robert Browning (Dude Kicks Some Righteous A)

IN-PROGRESS
Mrs. Warren's Profession by George Bernard Shaw
AND Portrait of a Lady by Henry James (audio file via Librivox)

NEXT-IN-LINE
Howards End by E. M. Forster

Check back for updates as I slog through the list of doom. And feel free to ask me questions about the books as I finish them. It will be good practice for the exams.

FOX Stole my Post

I thought this might brighten up the holiday blues for some of you poor Christmas protesters out there. If you find yourself losing your cool this holiday season, try getting the whole family to gather around for a good old-fashioned Yuletide Tirade. Make sure to invent several original compound modifiers, like "lard-spattered" or "poop-loving." And be honest; it helps add to the sense of fury.

You're welcome, bloggerinoes, and Happy Holidays.

Christmas? Humbug!

Not me, that's for jingle-damned sure.

Obviously, the bitterness came early this holiday season, kiddoes. As my sainted mother used to say, I am "sick-unto-death" of hearing about other people's problems, questions, concerns, plans, desires, intentions, opinions, and suggestions. Perhaps this comes of being an instructor and having to listen to hosts of questions about everything from online technical issues to where to properly place a staple on a printed document (yes, that actually came up this year).

Perhaps my acidic Scroogeyness comes of my increasing disinterest in anything occuring in the so-called "real world" these days. I mean, what is there in real life that even holds a candle to poetry, to the beautiful other-worlds of Auden, Eliot, Thomas, Keats, Arnold, Browning, Yeats, Heaney, Milton, Shakespeare, Coleridge, Tennyson, Hopkins, Poe, Robinson, Rossetti, Dickinson, Donne, Blake, Baudelaire, Byron, Frost, Whitman and Wordsworth? I'd exchange an average day of my lackluster life for any single line by any one of these poets, especially at Christmas. No, really, that is not an overstatement.

As the horror of another empty Christmas darkens the horizon, I realize how truly little I care about several specific things. The following litany of holiday "who cares" includes the items that will elicit either complete indifference from me, or possibly a swift sidekick to the face. And lucky you, I decided to list them, jazzy X-mas bullet-style! Boo-yah!

I don't care about your awesome Christmas party. Nothing is quite as irksome as having to listen to the lame exploits of your stupid holiday get-together. Grow up.


I don't care about Christmas gifts for me or for you. Don't ask me what I want for Christmas because the reply, like "For you to move to Australia," might cause you pain.


I don't care about the discounts you got on anything. The surest way to provoke me into punching you in the kidneys is the mention of any sale you encountered this year.


I don't care about your festive, seasonal decorations. In fact, if you'd like to avoid having them ripped down and burned, you might just keep them in the attic this December.


I don't care about the marvelous Christmas goodies you made. Actually, the very word "goodies" makes me want to break something brightly colored and cheery, like your face.


I don't care about the kickin' Christmas mix you downloaded on your iPod. I'll shove that little white bastard where the majestic Tree Topper's light don't shine.


I don't care about your family's holiday plans. Whoever's coming to your house this year is probably just as big a moron as you are, and you'll all have a splendidly moronic time together, I'm sure.

Take that, Holiday Season! Don't pretend you're happy around me. Don't tell me 'tis the season to be jolly. Let's see some humility and contrition. If you want to talk about how the human race was so repugnantly foul that our kind and perfect Creator had to take on human flesh and die to redeem us from our disgusting, brutish, sinful selves, then gather 'round the egg-nogg bowl and we'll chat awhile. Otherwise, stay the holly-hell out of my anti-festive face.

Merry Christmas!

Please excuse the preceeding vitriolic invective against Christmas and Christmastime. The author simply needed to vent his burgeoning frustrations and did not intend to offend, frighten, belittle, intimidate, undermine, judge, or trivialize any of your sacred holiday feelings. The author merely asks you to abide by the listed suggestions to avoid his increased displeasure and discomfort, and he wishes to inform you in no uncertain terms of his sincere hope to avoid harming you for contravening any of the enumerated prohibitions on his list. Offer expires 12-31-08. Void where prohibited.