A New Bibb in the Leo File Files

Where's the photo, you ask? Well, unlike most of America, I do not think that posting photos of my family members online for all to see is the wisest e-choice. Call me an overprotective father if you must, but you'll just have to settle for Weird Al's newest (and most amazingly animated) video about that notorious badass, Charles Nelson Reilly, after whom our little adopted kitty was named. Isn't that right, Forky?

Ladies and Bloglemen, I have a son. His name is Oren Aardvark File (only slightly changed to protect the incontinent), and he was born at 7:40 p. m. on August 13 after his mother endured unspeakable physical duress in bringing him into this world.

This got me to thinking.

Why did women come off so poorly in the whole Eden curse situation? I mean, Adam had to go work for his food, which really only amounts to fresh air and varied experiences, while Eve was saddled with horrible pain just for propagating the species. And the snake? The one crafty SOB who truly caused all the trouble? His legs were taken away, true, but then he was given monster fangs, around 150 hearts, the ability to prolong his life through skin regeneration, neurotoxic venom, camoflauge capabilities, and a knack for slithering at...get this...up to 13 mph! What the frick, God?!

Anyway, I feel your pain, ladies. And I've seen it all happen firsthand. Jeez, guys, did we ever luck out on that deal.

An Even Badder Seed?

Holy sleeper, blogfans! Have any of you seen the latest offering from the erstwhile lackluster Dark Castle Pictures division of Warner Bros.? No? Well, you're not alone. It hasn't done particularly well at that fickle spinster known as the American box office, and I must say that, while it totally does NOT deserve such widespread panning, I can guess why it hasn't blown the average movie-goer out of his sweaty socks. For one thing, everyone at Rotten Tomatoes seems to have missed the joke. This isn't supposed to be some probing commentary on the dangers that lurk within our oh-so-secure suburban lives, and it isn't an investigation of the deep psychological scars {tacit plot spoiler alert} associated with certain physical conditions. This little gem is pure, unadulterated camp. And it's not even contemporary camp. It's 50s camp!

OK, so maybe there's a bit too much skin in Orphan for the 50s label, but aside from that, this wonderful movie is a delightfully self-conscious remake/update of the 1956 Warner Bros. "shocker" The Bad Seed, a truly disturbing little film about a precocious psycho named Rhoda who "didn't mean" to brutally murder several people who pissed her off. The ubiquitous nods to Bad Seed are practically palpable in Orphan, but I guess most audience members are too ignorant of the classics to note the allusions. This Bibb, however, was enthralled and tickled black as Esther's evil hair (which was often tied up in pigtails as an homage to her blonde predecessor in tot terror). The scene with the white roses had me cringing in my stadium seat, and the film's wrap scene tag-line had me rolling in the sticky aisles! {Dialogue spoiler alert}

Esther (bloodied and clutching feverishly at her adopted mother/victim in the middle of a frozen lake): "Don't let me die, Mommie."

Kate (suffering from several stab wounds and a gunshot to the shoulder): "I'm NOT your Fu(&!NG MOMMIE!"

Oh, bloggies, I loved this movie. I could not believe the evil that Esther unleashed on her unsuspecting (though admittedly screwed-up and self-involved) adopted family. Seriously, go out and rent / Netflix / Hulu / iPhone / Limewire The Bad Seed if you have not seen it, and then go and visit Esther. I promise you that she's the one you'll want to take home.

"There's something wrong with Esther."